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During my checkup, I asked the doctor if everything is alright and he said "well I'm not so sure, Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said: "Well I don't believe in astrology".
"Neither do I", he replied, "my thermometer just broke"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you, you've had too much already."
The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can't serve you."
The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink.
The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, "I told you, you're cut off! Get out!"
The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, "My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!"
A bunch of cowboys hanging around in the saloon gambling and drinking
When a man that looks like he took the most severe beating runs inside and says:
—You boys better be running, Black Joe is coming!
And falls to the ground. Cowboys think to themselves:
— There are five of us and that Black Joe is alone.
And they carry on with their business when two well known gunfighters stumble in, all covered in blood and struggling to stay conscious:
— Run for your lives! Black Joe is close!
And they both collapsed on the floor. Now all the cowboys were in distress, fearing that Black Joe, and around that time they heard heavy steps and they looked outside. It was a huge man, all dressed in black, with a black beard and two black pistols in each hand. He enters the established and says to the cowboys:
— All of you, suck my cock! Get in line, quickly!
The terrified cowboys felt like they have no choice, so they did as they were told. And when it was all over, that huge guy, as he was putting his pants back on, spoke to the cowboys:
— You guys better get out of here, I saw Black Joe is heading this way!
Wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis.
For the record, it reaches the back of her sister’s throat. . .
The judge asks a woman who was charged with assaulting her husband and destroying his guitars
“First time offender?”
She says ‘No First was a Gibson, Then a Fender’
The Judge says to the defendant, "before I pass sentence, does the accused have anything he would like to say??
The defendant mumbles "F--k all",
The judge doesn't hear him and turns to the clerk of the court and says "what did he say?"
The clerk of the court whispers in the judge's ear "He said f--k all M'lord"
.. the judge hisses back "don't give me that you c--t, I saw his lips move".
Three defendands are standing in front of a cross eyed judge.
The judge asks the first one "Your name sir?"
The second one answers "John Smith".
The Judge, already annoyed " I didn't talk to you"
and the third one goes "but I didn't say anything.."
A judge addresses the wobbly defendant standing in front of him. "Sir, you've been brought before me for drinking."
"Fantastic," says the defendant. "Let's get started!"
All present in the court burst out laughing.
Annoyed, the judge bangs his gavel and says, "Order! Order!"
And the defendant says, "All right ... I'll have a whiskey and soda."
Happy pride month to Home Depot!
There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.
Two flies are sitting on a turd
Two flies are sitting on a turd. One of them farts. The other says "Dude, we're eating here"
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