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During my checkup, I asked the doctor if everything is alright and he said "well I'm not so sure, Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said: "Well I don't believe in astrology".
"Neither do I", he replied, "my thermometer just broke"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you, you've had too much already."
The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can't serve you."
The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink.
The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, "I told you, you're cut off! Get out!"
The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, "My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!"
A bunch of cowboys hanging around in the saloon gambling and drinking
When a man that looks like he took the most severe beating runs inside and says:
—You boys better be running, Black Joe is coming!
And falls to the ground. Cowboys think to themselves:
— There are five of us and that Black Joe is alone.
And they carry on with their business when two well known gunfighters stumble in, all covered in blood and struggling to stay conscious:
— Run for your lives! Black Joe is close!
And they both collapsed on the floor. Now all the cowboys were in distress, fearing that Black Joe, and around that time they heard heavy steps and they looked outside. It was a huge man, all dressed in black, with a black beard and two black pistols in each hand. He enters the established and says to the cowboys:
— All of you, suck my cock! Get in line, quickly!
The terrified cowboys felt like they have no choice, so they did as they were told. And when it was all over, that huge guy, as he was putting his pants back on, spoke to the cowboys:
— You guys better get out of here, I saw Black Joe is heading this way!
Wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis.
For the record, it reaches the back of her sister’s throat. . .
The judge asks a woman who was charged with assaulting her husband and destroying his guitars
“First time offender?”
She says ‘No First was a Gibson, Then a Fender’
The Judge says to the defendant, "before I pass sentence, does the accused have anything he would like to say??
The defendant mumbles "F--k all",
The judge doesn't hear him and turns to the clerk of the court and says "what did he say?"
The clerk of the court whispers in the judge's ear "He said f--k all M'lord"
.. the judge hisses back "don't give me that you c--t, I saw his lips move".
Three defendands are standing in front of a cross eyed judge.
The judge asks the first one "Your name sir?"
The second one answers "John Smith".
The Judge, already annoyed " I didn't talk to you"
and the third one goes "but I didn't say anything.."
A judge addresses the wobbly defendant standing in front of him. "Sir, you've been brought before me for drinking."
"Fantastic," says the defendant. "Let's get started!"
All present in the court burst out laughing.
Annoyed, the judge bangs his gavel and says, "Order! Order!"
And the defendant says, "All right ... I'll have a whiskey and soda."
Happy pride month to Home Depot!
There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.
Two flies are sitting on a turd
Two flies are sitting on a turd. One of them farts. The other says "Dude, we're eating here"
A man has been charged with SA and is having a meeting with his attorney.
“Well,” says the attorney, “I’ve seen the prosecution’s evidence, and we need to decide whether we’re going to go to trial or plead guilty. This is a very serious matter.”
“Yes, I realize that.”
“It’s so serious,” says the attorney, “That I like to lighten the mood in these situations by telling a funny joke. Stop me if you’ve heard this. A man is lost in the desert, dying of thirst, when he spots a man on a camel. Please stop me if you’ve heard this. He runs to the man on the camel and begs him for water.”
“Is this the one with the neckties?”
“Hold on, hold on – the man on the camel says, ‘I don’t have water, but I do have neckties! Buy two get one free!”
"Yes, I’ve heard this one. He gets to the oasis and a tie is required."
“Let me finish. But stop me if you’ve heard this. The thirsty guy says, ‘I don’t need a tie! I need water! Okay, says the tie salesman, you drive a hard bargain. Half off all ties, just for you!”
“Please stop. I’ve heard this.”
“And the guy says, “I don’t want your damn ties! Just tell me where I can find water!"
“You can stop.”
“The tie salesman says, ‘Fine. Just go two miles north; you’ll find an oasis. Plenty of water there.”
“For God’s sake, stop, I’ve heard this.”
“He gets to the oasis and is about to jump into the water, but he’s stopped by a guard.”
“Yeah, yeah,” says the attorney’s client. “The guard says: ‘Sorry, you can’t come in. Tie’s required.”
“You’ve heard this? Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I did tell you to stop. I told you, like, a dozen times, and you didn’t!”
“And that,” says the attorney, “is why you’re fucked.”
An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.
She reached speeds of 5 mph, but in her mind she was zooming at breakneck speed. The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.
"Hold it right there, Mabel!" said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop. "I need to see your drivers license." Mabel reached into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids. The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.
A few minutes later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they've had reports of a stolen car that matches the description of the scooter. Rose asks to see her registration, and Mabel procures an expired coupon from her purse. Rose examines it and tells Mabel she's free to go. Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.
She takes a wrong turn into George's room and comes to a stop. George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his penis in his hand.
"Oh damn," says Mabel. "Not the breathalyzer again."
There's an old man who is considering joining a nudist colony, so he goes there to find out what it's like. The person at the front desk tells him he is welcome to try it out before he joins.
He takes his clothes off and goes for a walk. After a while he takes a seat on a bench, sees a very attractive woman go by, and gets an erection. She notices and stops and gives him one of the best blow jobs he's ever had.
He immediately goes back to the front desk and signs up.
Later on he's walking along smoking a cigar, and he drops it. He bends over to pick it up and a man comes up behind him and has his way with him.
The old man goes back to the front desk and demands his money back.
When asked why he says, "I get an erection maybe every three or four months, but I drop my cigar half a dozen times a day."
Michael Stipe walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I love REM! I can’t believe you’re in my bar!”
Michael Stipe says, “I used to come here all the time.” He points to an old photo on the wall and says, “That’s me in the corner.”
In order to give back to my community, I make frequent conjugal visits to the local women's prison.
It's not much, but it gives me some scents of perp puss.
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