🔞 Adult Jokes

Adult jokes usually land best when they feel relatable rather than forced. Work stress, dating, money, sleep, routines, and all the little frustrations of adult life make good material because most people know the feeling immediately.

This page is better for readers who want humor with a slightly more mature tone without losing the quick, easy rhythm of the site.

The Farm Woman and the Pig

A city man was traveling down a rural country road, struggling to carry a pig, a chicken, a large bucket, and a cane. He was exhausted and making very slow progress.

A local farm woman caught up with him and noticed his struggle. She said, "Let me help you out with a bit of country logic. Put the chicken under your left arm, hold the cane in your right hand, put the pig inside the bucket, and carry the bucket with your right hand."

The man tried it, and to his surprise, it worked beautifully. It made the load much easier to manage, and the two continued walking down the road together, chatting happily.

Eventually, they reached a stretch of road that passed through a thick, dark woods. The woman stopped, looked around nervously, and said, "Oh dear, I'm getting frightened. We're all alone out here in the woods. You could easily push me against a tree and take advantage of me."

The man laughed and said, "Look at me! How could I possibly do that? My hands are completely full. If I let go of the pig, it will run away. If I let go of the chicken, it will fly off. I couldn't possibly try anything."

The woman smiled and said, "Well, that's simple. You just stick your cane in the ground, turn the bucket upside down over the chicken, and I'll hold the pig."

The man replied, "Yeah, not falling for that. Last farm woman ran off with my pig!"

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The Confessional and the Poor Box

A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest says, "Almost? What do you mean, almost?"

The man replies, "Well, we kissed and both got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest then says, "Rubbing together is the same thing as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 10 Hail Mary's and put $100 in the poor box."

Then man then leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the collection box. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to leave.

Meanwhile, the priest is watching all this time, and quickly runs over to him saying, "Hey, I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, and according to you, that's the same thing as putting it in!"

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The Mother and Daughter Proposition

Man comes home with a beautiful 55 yr old milf for a hookup.

A minute later the sexiest blond haired, big breasted girl in a string bikini comes in and strolls to the kitchen.

"Sorry" the milf says, "that’s my daughter. Pretty amazing isn’t she?"

"Uh y-yea" stammers the man.

With a twinkle in her eye the milf asks: "Hey would you like to have sex with a mother and daughter?"

"Hell yes" replied the man bursting with anticipation.

The milf then walks to the stairs and yells: "Heeeey Mom I got another one, we are coming upstairs!

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I Think I F***ed Up

I have a weird fetish: I like to stick my private parts inside the holes in the middle of CDs.

Today my girlfriend caught me doing this to the disc of an 2009 Pixar movie.

I think I fucked Up.

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Giving Back to the Community

In order to give back to my community, I make frequent conjugal visits to the local women's prison.

It's not much, but it gives me some scents of perp puss.

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The Nudist Colony Trial Run

There's an old man who is considering joining a nudist colony, so he goes there to find out what it's like. The person at the front desk tells him he is welcome to try it out before he joins.

He takes his clothes off and goes for a walk. After a while he takes a seat on a bench, sees a very attractive woman go by, and gets an erection. She notices and stops and gives him one of the best blow jobs he's ever had.

He immediately goes back to the front desk and signs up.

Later on he's walking along smoking a cigar, and he drops it. He bends over to pick it up and a man comes up behind him and has his way with him.

The old man goes back to the front desk and demands his money back.

When asked why he says, "I get an erection maybe every three or four months, but I drop my cigar half a dozen times a day."

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Mabel Gets Pulled Over Again

An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.

She reached speeds of 5 mph, but in her mind she was zooming at breakneck speed. The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.

"Hold it right there, Mabel!" said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop. "I need to see your drivers license." Mabel reached into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids. The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.

A few minutes later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they've had reports of a stolen car that matches the description of the scooter. Rose asks to see her registration, and Mabel procures an expired coupon from her purse. Rose examines it and tells Mabel she's free to go. Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.

She takes a wrong turn into George's room and comes to a stop. George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his penis in his hand.

"Oh damn," says Mabel. "Not the breathalyzer again."

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The Attorney's Favorite Joke

A man has been charged with SA and is having a meeting with his attorney.

“Well,” says the attorney, “I’ve seen the prosecution’s evidence, and we need to decide whether we’re going to go to trial or plead guilty. This is a very serious matter.”

“Yes, I realize that.”

“It’s so serious,” says the attorney, “That I like to lighten the mood in these situations by telling a funny joke. Stop me if you’ve heard this. A man is lost in the desert, dying of thirst, when he spots a man on a camel. Please stop me if you’ve heard this. He runs to the man on the camel and begs him for water.”

“Is this the one with the neckties?”

“Hold on, hold on – the man on the camel says, ‘I don’t have water, but I do have neckties! Buy two get one free!”

"Yes, I’ve heard this one. He gets to the oasis and a tie is required."

“Let me finish. But stop me if you’ve heard this. The thirsty guy says, ‘I don’t need a tie! I need water! Okay, says the tie salesman, you drive a hard bargain. Half off all ties, just for you!”

“Please stop. I’ve heard this.”

“And the guy says, “I don’t want your damn ties! Just tell me where I can find water!"

“You can stop.”

“The tie salesman says, ‘Fine. Just go two miles north; you’ll find an oasis. Plenty of water there.”

“For God’s sake, stop, I’ve heard this.”

“He gets to the oasis and is about to jump into the water, but he’s stopped by a guard.”

“Yeah, yeah,” says the attorney’s client. “The guard says: ‘Sorry, you can’t come in. Tie’s required.”

“You’ve heard this? Why didn’t you stop me?”

“I did tell you to stop. I told you, like, a dozen times, and you didn’t!”

“And that,” says the attorney, “is why you’re fucked.”

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For the Record

Wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister’s throat. . .

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The Wrong Outlaw

A bunch of cowboys hanging around in the saloon gambling and drinking

When a man that looks like he took the most severe beating runs inside and says:

—You boys better be running, Black Joe is coming!

And falls to the ground. Cowboys think to themselves:

— There are five of us and that Black Joe is alone.

And they carry on with their business when two well known gunfighters stumble in, all covered in blood and struggling to stay conscious:

— Run for your lives! Black Joe is close!

And they both collapsed on the floor. Now all the cowboys were in distress, fearing that Black Joe, and around that time they heard heavy steps and they looked outside. It was a huge man, all dressed in black, with a black beard and two black pistols in each hand. He enters the established and says to the cowboys:

— All of you, suck my cock! Get in line, quickly!

The terrified cowboys felt like they have no choice, so they did as they were told. And when it was all over, that huge guy, as he was putting his pants back on, spoke to the cowboys:

— You guys better get out of here, I saw Black Joe is heading this way!

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