🔞 Adult Jokes

My bed and I are perfect for each other.
The alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

I finally got eight hours of sleep.
It took three days, but still.

We had a family budget meeting to cut expenses.
Then we ordered takeout to save time.

She said, "When I put it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

I said, "Miss, just blow into the breathalyzer, please."

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

Lady calls the fire department, says her house is on fire. Fire dept says

"How do we get there?"

She says

"How about that big red fuckin truck you drive all over the place?"

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickallotofpuss

A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying on the bed reading a book.

He says: "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache."

She says: " I think you'll find that's actually a sheep under your arm."

He says: " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile."

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Every day Johnny walks by the same group of prostitutes on his way to school. Every day they say "Hello" and wave their pinky fingers at him.

One day Johnny stops and asks, "Why do you always wave your pinky fingers at me?" One replies "Because that's how big we think your penis is."

The next day as he's walking to school, and the women say hello, waving their pinkies. Johnny turns to them, puts his fingers in his mouth and stretches it as wide as it will go, while saying "Hi ladies!"

Guy goes to the doctor, says, "Doc! Doc! You gotta help me! My damn dick turned bright orange!"

The doctors says, "Really? Oh my, I've never heard of that before. Let's take a look."

So the man drops his pants and underwear, and sure enough the doctor sees the brightest, orangest penis he's ever seen.

"Hm," says the doctor, "do you now or have you ever by any chance worked in a dye factory?"

"Nah, never done that for work" the man replies.

"Well," the doctor continues, "do you work with any dangerous chemicals?"

"Nope, sounds too scary, wouldn't do that either" says the man.

Stumped, the doctor then asks, "Ok, do you work with radioactive materials then?"

"No, Doc, you don't get it!" the man retorts, "This can't be work related, gotta be something else! I've been unemployed for months now, all I do is sit around the house eating Cheetos and watching porn!"