💞 Relationship Jokes Jokes

A man is at the supermarket when a beautiful blonde with large breasts walks up to him.

"Excuse me," she says, "but I think you're the father of one of my kids."

"Oh," the man nervously says, keeping his eye on his wife and kids. "Are you that hooker I fucked behind the trampoline park during my son's birthday party?"

"No," she answers. "I'm his math teacher."

Wife texts her Husband who is at work:

Wife: “Honey, don’t forget to buy bread on your way home. Oh, and… your girlfriend Elizabeth says hi.”

Husband: “Who’s Elizabeth?”

Wife: “Nobody. Just wanted to make sure you saw my message.”

Husband: “Phew! I’m with Elizabeth right now… for a moment then, I thought you saw us!”

Wife: “WHAT?! Where are you?!”

Husband: “Near the bakery.”

Wife: “Stay put - I’m coming right now!”

Five minutes later…

Wife: “I’m at the bakery where are you?!”

Husband: “I’m at work. Now that you’re there… grab the bread and head home.”

A married couple was in a terrible accident, and the husband’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told him they couldn’t graft any skin from his own body because he was too skinny. His wife lovingly offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only suitable area was from her buttocks—a rather delicate matter.

They both agreed to keep it a secret, and the doctor promised not to say a word.

After the surgery, everyone was amazed by the man's transformation. He looked more handsome than ever!

Friends and family couldn’t stop complimenting his fresh, youthful face.

One day, deeply moved, he said to his wife, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever repay you?"

She smiled and replied,

"My love… I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Why did she reply "LOL" to a serious text? Because sometimes love requires laughter!

My partner insists on following the GPS exactly. We ended up in the wrong city, but together!

I tried to cook a romantic dinner. The smoke alarm was very supportive.

When I bring you breakfast in bed, it's polite to say "Thank You", not "Who are you, and how the fuck did you get into my house!?"

My wife completely fed up and disgusted with me packed my bags and told me to get out. As I was walking out she said, "I hope you die a slow and painful death."

I put my bags down, and asked, "So, you want me to stay?"

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie ” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities…

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

“An ambulance just drove by!”

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike!”

“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

“Jason is on his skate board!”

After a few moments he announced… “The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out…”How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

Someone sees an old and ugly parrot at a pet store and asks the price on the old bastard. The cashier then tells him that this parrot is worth 5000$. Why?!?! Asks the man in shock. The cashier replies that the parrot was the pet of chuck norris and that he is a well trained guard parrot that is a master of karate. Yeah right replied the man so the cashier takes the parrot out of the cage and points at a sturdy wooden table and shouts. KARATE TABLE!! The parrot jumps in the air KARATE TABLE!!! And smashes the table into sawdust. The man is stunned and can’t believe it. Then the cashier points at a metal door. KARATE DOOR!!! The parrot shouts KARATE DOOR and smashes it in pieces. The man is impressed and buys the parrot. As he gets home his wife looks at the bird and starts yelling at the husband for spending so much money on an old and ugly bird. The man tries to explain “but honey he’s a guard. He knows karate” and the wife shouts in anger KARATE MY ASS.

KARATE ASS!!!!!!!

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

Marriage is like a deck of cards:
At first, all you need are two hearts and a diamond.
Later, you’re looking for a club and a spade.

My husband and I always compromise.
I admit I’m wrong, and he agrees with me.

Behind every successful man, there’s a surprised mother-in-law.

Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance…
And a lot of words you never thought you’d use in arguments.