🩺 Medical Jokes Jokes

An old lady goes to the doctor and says ‘doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here’

The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.

The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’

The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’

A lady goes to the doctor complaining that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, warns it’s experimental, and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes. That night, he jumps up, rakes the food onto the floor, grabs her, and ravages her right there on the table. She later says, "We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway."

What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.

What do you call two doctors? Pair-a-medics.

Patient: Doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: Sorry, I don’t follow you.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

Patient: “Doctor, I think I need glasses.”
Teller: “You certainly do! This is a bank.”

Patient: “Doctor, I broke my arm in two places.”
Doctor: “Stop going to those places.”

Patient: “Doctor, I have a ringing in my ear.”
Doctor: “Then whatever you do, don’t answer it.”

Patient: “Doctor, everyone hates me.”
Doctor: “Don’t be ridiculous. Not everyone has met you.”

Doctor: “Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”
Patient: “Give me the good news.”
Doctor: “You’re about to have a disease named after you.”

A patient goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye."
The doctor says, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?"

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on paranoia.
The librarian whispers, "They’re right behind you."

A friend of mine made so many rash decisions that he became a dermatologist.

At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor said, "Now THIS is a big, beautiful penis!"
Then he pulled his pants back up and told me to get undressed.