⚡ One-Liners

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

I told my computer I needed a break, and it said 'No problem — I’ll crash.'

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One … or two?

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.

Why did the orange stop rolling? It ran out of juice.