🎭 General Jokes

What do you call it when the waiter brings you the wrong cut of meat? A misteak

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>;
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it's already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months’ vacation and five good leads.”

What is your sexual orientation if you are attracted to both women and men, but they are not attracted to you?

Bi-yourself

Some first-year medical students were attending their first Anatomy class.

They gathered around a table where a real dead body had been placed for study.

The professor began the class by telling them that every good doctor must have two important qualities.

“The first,” he said, “is that a doctor must never be disgusted by anything in the human body.”

To demonstrate, he inserted his finger into the dead body’s anus, then put the finger in his mouth and tasted it.

He then asked the students to repeat what he had done.

The students were shocked and hesitated for several minutes. But eventually, one by one, they did the same thing. Each of them inserted their fingers into the body’s anus and then tasted their fingers.

When everyone had finished, they all stood there frowning and feeling uncomfortable.

The professor then looked at them and smiled.

“The second most important quality of a doctor,” he said, “is observation.”

He continued,

“I inserted my middle finger, but I tasted my index finger.”

Tomorrow I'll do a talk for people who can't orgasm.

Please let me know if you can't come.

Scientists removed the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."

Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10

He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."

Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:

'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me. People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."

What do you call sex with 4 people? A foursome What about 3 people? A threesome

See? I knew there was a reason they called you handsome...

Dracula was on a date with a beautiful young woman. After a few glasses of wine she leaned in and said, “I know this is a bit forward, but… what’s your body count?”

Confused, he looked down at himself and said, “Well… it’s this thing under my head. Mostly bones and organs.”

A radio show asked people to call in with words they made up

"Alright sir, what is the word you came up with?"

"Goan."

"How do you spell that?"

"G - O - A - N."

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Goan fuck yourself!"

The host disconnects the caller and profusely apologizes to the public.

They get several more callers, all being polite. A while later, another caller goes on.

"What's your word, sir?"

"Smee."

"How do you spell it?"

"S - M - E - E."

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"

I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over.

As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”

I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”

Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”

Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”

A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”

I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”

He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”

Two drug dealers are given a chance by a judge to avoid prison...

​The judge tells them, "You guys don't look like hardened criminals. I'll give you a deal: I’m releasing you for 24 hours. Your job is to go out and convince as many people as possible to quit using drugs. If you’re successful, I’ll drop the charges. Come back tomorrow and report your numbers."

The next day, the first guy says, "Your Honor, I got 14 people to quit! I drew two circles: a big one and a tiny one. I told them the big one was their brain before drugs, and the tiny one was their brain after drugs."

The judge is impressed. He turns to the second guy. "And you?"

"I got 165 people to quit, sir!"

The judge is stunned. "165?! Did you use the same 'brain' circles?"

"Sort of," the guy says. "I pointed to the tiny circle and said, 'Listen up, boys... this is what your asshole looks like before you go to prison.'"

I found out South American sperm banks pay you for your donations

I'm gonna be making Brazilians.