😄 Community Jokes Jokes

My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible!

MAN 1 - My wife's gone to the West Indies.
MAN 2 - Jamaica?
MAN 1 - No, she went of her own accord!

I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work.
Thankfully I was at work.

A traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too great herself.
Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.

The salesman says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"

The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."

And the salesman says, "Cancel the hot dog."

a woman told her doctor she orgasms every time she sneezes
the doctor said: "are you taking anything for that?"

she replied: "yeah, pepper."

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border

The Italian customs officer stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro!"

"Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro means four!" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"

The German replies angrily " You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"

"Sorry" respondes the Italian, "He canta comea . He's a buzy with a two guys in a Fiat Uno."

The one thing women want more than anything else in their relationship is security.
I know this because whenever I flirt with them, it's the one word they always shout.

A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
-"Oh well", the man says and flies away.

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man

Why are pirates called pirates? 'cause they arrr!

The first sign of senility is loss of memory.

I forget the other two.

Once upon a time, an evil man passed away, and his soul was sent to Hell. When he stood before the Devil, Satan address him thus:

"Sinful mortal, you have arrived in my domain on a most auspicious day. Usually, I judge your sins and sentence you to an appropriate punishment. However, for this day only, I shall give you the choice of your eternal punishment. Choose wisely".

The Devil then lead him down an infinitely long hallway, lined with an equally infinite amount of doors. The Devil opened the door to the first room, which contained numerous souls slowly being flayed. The Devil asked the evil man if he wanted to choose this punishment, which the man declines.

The Devil and the Evil Man continued down the way, looking into every room with equally unimaginable torments as the first. For each one, the Devil asked the man if this would be the punishment he wanted, and in each room, the man declined.

Finally, after an indeterminate amount of time, the Devil and the evil man arrived to the final room. Once inside, the evil man stared in amazement at a pile of feces, the size of a mountain. Scattered amongst the pile sat numerous dammed souls, drinking cups of coffee.

"Well mortal," asked the Devil, "this room is the last one in my domain, and the last which you can willingly accept. If you decline this room, then I shall choose your eternal fate for you". Given this ultimatum, the Evil Man agreed to accept that room as his punishment.

Once the Devil closed and locked the door behind him, the Evil Man climbed up the mountain of dung and poured himself a cup of coffee.

Just as he was putting the cup to his lips, a large and imposing demon, bearing a large, flaming whip barged into the room. With a crack of the whip the demon bellowed:

CRACK "Okay, you shit eaters, time to get back to work; coffee break is over"!