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A couple went to a marriage counselor. The wife complained, “He never listens! He doesn’t pay attention to me at all!”
The counselor turned to the husband and said, “Sir, is that true?”
The husband replied, “What did she say?”
At a museum, a little boy pointed to a mummy and asked the guide, “Who is that?”
The guide said, “That’s an Egyptian who died thousands of years ago.”
The boy frowned. “Wow. Do we know what he died of?”
The guide said, “He probably stopped breathing.”
On a turbulent flight, the captain comes on the intercom:
“Ladies and gentlemen, we’re experiencing some bumps, but there’s no cause for alarm.”
A few minutes later, the plane jolts violently, and a passenger shouts, “Captain, are we going to crash?!”
The flight attendant says, “Sir, if I knew that, I’d be the captain.”
Grandma got new hearing aids that cost thousands of dollars. A month later, the doctor asked how she liked them.
“They’re wonderful!” she said. “I’ve heard conversations I hadn’t heard in years. I’ve already changed my will three times.”
A man suspected his wife was losing her hearing. To test it, he stood behind her and said softly, “Can you hear me, honey?” No answer.
He moved closer. “Can you hear me now?”
Still nothing. Finally, he whispered right behind her ear, “Can you hear me now?”
She turned around and said, “For the third time, YES.”
A man travels back to ancient Egypt. He says to a pyramid builder, “I’m from the future — we have machines that can lift massive stones easily!”
The worker wipes his brow and says, “That’s great. Could one of them lift my pay?”
I stayed at a fancy hotel that said breakfast was “included.”
The next morning, I ordered eggs, bacon, and coffee.
When the bill came, I said, “Wait, I thought breakfast was included!”
The waiter said, “It is — included in the price of $29.99.”
A father looks at his son’s report card and sighs. “You got an F in math? How did this happen?”
The boy says, “The teacher asked me how to convert centimeters to meters.”
“So what did you say?”
“I told her, ‘You take out the cent.’”
A husband and wife had been arguing, and they both decided to give each other the silent treatment. Two days later, the husband realized he needed his wife to wake him up at 5 a.m. for an early flight. Too proud to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper:
“Please wake me up at 5.”
The next morning, he woke up at 9 a.m. — furious.
On his nightstand was another note:
“It’s 5. Wake up.”
A student was taking a history exam. The first question was, “Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”
He thought hard and wrote: “At the bottom.”
A man arrives at the airport baggage claim, but his suitcase never shows up. He goes to the counter and complains.
The clerk says, “Don’t worry, sir, we’re professionals. Your bag will be found and delivered to your home within 48 hours.”
The man says, “That’s great, but I live here.”
At Sunday dinner, Mom says, “Whoever does the dishes tonight will go straight to heaven.”
My little brother immediately says, “I’ll wash them!”
Mom smiles. “That’s so sweet, honey.”
He shrugs. “I just don’t want you to go first.”
After 25 years of marriage, a husband decided to surprise his wife with a trip to Italy — her lifelong dream. When he told her, she burst into tears of joy and said, “That’s amazing! But what are you getting me for our 50th anniversary?”
He smiled and said, “That’s when I’ll come pick you up.”
Historians still argue about who invented the calendar.
But they all agree — whoever it was, their days were numbered.
Napoleon may have been short, but he always looked up to his goals.
Literally — they were on the top shelf.
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