A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor.

"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

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Euro-English Plan

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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The Judge’s Unusual Deal

Two drug dealers are given a chance by a judge to avoid prison...

The judge tells them, "You guys don't look like hardened criminals. I'll give you a deal: I’m releasing you for 24 hours. Your job is to go out and convince as many people as possible to quit using drugs. If you’re successful, I’ll drop the charges. Come back tomorrow and report your numbers."

The next day, the first guy says, "Your Honor, I got 14 people to quit! I drew two circles: a big one and a tiny one. I told them the big one was their brain before drugs, and the tiny one was their brain after drugs."

The judge is impressed. He turns to the second guy. "And you?"

"I got 165 people to quit, sir!"

The judge is stunned. "165?! Did you use the same 'brain' circles?"

"Sort of," the guy says. "I pointed to the tiny circle and said, 'Listen up, boys... this is what your asshole looks like before you go to prison.'"

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The Barber’s Strange Question

I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over.

As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”

I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”

Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”

Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”

A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”

I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”

He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”

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The Radio Show Word Game Gone Wrong

A radio show asked people to call in with words they made up

"Alright sir, what is the word you came up with?"

"Goan."

"How do you spell that?"

"G - O - A - N."

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Goan fuck yourself!"

The host disconnects the caller and profusely apologizes to the public.

They get several more callers, all being polite. A while later, another caller goes on.

"What's your word, sir?"

"Smee."

"How do you spell it?"

"S - M - E - E."

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"

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Dracula’s Date Night Confusion

Dracula was on a date with a beautiful young woman. After a few glasses of wine she leaned in and said, “I know this is a bit forward, but… what’s your body count?”

Confused, he looked down at himself and said, “Well… it’s this thing under my head. Mostly bones and organs.”

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The Million-Dollar Question

A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”

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