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A young artist is exhibiting his work for the first time. A well-known art critic approaches, and the artist says, "Can I have your honest opinion of my work?"
"It's worthless," says the critic."
"I know," says the artist, "but tell me anyway."
I have a weird fetish: I like to stick my private parts inside the holes in the middle of CDs.
Today my girlfriend caught me doing this to the disc of an 2009 Pixar movie.
I think I fucked Up.
A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband her illicit affair is over. He'd already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her...
In a last ditch attempt to convince him, she cut her ex-lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought this would ease her husband’s mind once and for all.
“You see.” she told him. “He was struck by a drunk driver.”
Her husband smiled and replied, “I wasn’t drunk.”
A little girl asks her father, "Daddy, why don't I have a little sister?"
Trying to be funny, her father says, "You do have a little sister."
"I do?" asks the little girl.
"Sure you do," her father says. "But, every time you walk in the front door, she is walking out the back door."
"Oh, I see!" says the little girl. "You mean she's just like my other daddy."
What’s the difference between a mistress, a hooker, and a wife?
The mistress says “Oh honey! More! Deeper!”
The hooker says “Come on! Faster! Time to go!”
The wife say “Beige! Beige! I’m going to paint the ceiling beige!”
A woman has two handsome admirers. One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy. Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose. And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.
One day, the woman says to the deaf guy: "Hey, that doctor friend of mine gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give me an apple a day?"
And the deaf guy says, "WHAT?"
Man comes home with a beautiful 55 yr old milf for a hookup.
A minute later the sexiest blond haired, big breasted girl in a string bikini comes in and strolls to the kitchen.
"Sorry" the milf says, "that’s my daughter. Pretty amazing isn’t she?"
"Uh y-yea" stammers the man.
With a twinkle in her eye the milf asks: "Hey would you like to have sex with a mother and daughter?"
"Hell yes" replied the man bursting with anticipation.
The milf then walks to the stairs and yells: "Heeeey Mom I got another one, we are coming upstairs!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He just couldn't see himself doing it
What do you call it when your wife doesn’t let you “score”?
A clean sheet.
Host: Contestant Number One, tell us a little about yourself.
Contestant: My name is Emily Parker. I'm a full-time mom and homemaker, and I have 17 children.
Host: Seventeen children? That's remarkable!
Emily: Well, I love my husband.
Host: Ma'am, I love my cigars too... but I take them out of my mouth once in a while.
A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest says, "Almost? What do you mean, almost?"
The man replies, "Well, we kissed and both got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest then says, "Rubbing together is the same thing as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 10 Hail Mary's and put $100 in the poor box."
Then man then leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the collection box. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to leave.
Meanwhile, the priest is watching all this time, and quickly runs over to him saying, "Hey, I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, and according to you, that's the same thing as putting it in!"
At the height of the cold war, the CIA tries to infiltrate Mother Russia. Before they send him over, they meticulously train him. The spy spends months in deep linguistic training to learn to speak russian not only fluently but with a legitimate regional accent. They cram him full of all the cultural concepts he needs to know to pass for a real russian.
After months and months of training, they finally send him over by spy plane flying low under the radar in remote Siberia where he parachutes. The spy spends several days tracking through the winter landscape before finally reaching a small village in the middle of nowhere.
By nightfall, he carefully approaches the next little hut and knocks. An old lady opens the door and immediately blurts out "Oh, Amerikanski! Come in, come in, it's freezing out there!"
The spy is nonplussed and replies (in PERFECT russian): "Babushka, why do you say I am american? This is preposterous!"
To which the old lady replies: "Honey (or whatever the russian equivalent is), I've lived in this village for eighty years, and I can assure you we've never had a Black Russian out here!"
At a corporate board meeting the CEO tells a joke. Everyone laughs except for one guy.
"Didn't you get it?" the CEO asks the guy.
And the guy says, "Oh, I got it. But today's my last day."
My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree…
I told him to grow a pear.
4 beer company CEOs walked into a bar…
The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.
The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
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