The one thing women want more than anything else in their relationship is security.
I know this because whenever I flirt with them, it's the one word they always shout.

Share this joke:

😄 Community Jokes

- anonymous

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border

The Italian customs officer stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro!"

"Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro means four!" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"

The German replies angrily " You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"

"Sorry" respondes the Italian, "He canta comea . He's a buzy with a two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Share this joke:

😄 Community Jokes

- Paul F

The Doctor’s Strange Diagnosis

a woman told her doctor she orgasms every time she sneezes
the doctor said: "are you taking anything for that?"

she replied: "yeah, pepper."

Share this joke:

😄 Community Jokes

- Paul F

The Diner Order Regret

A traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too great herself.
Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.

The salesman says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"

The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."

And the salesman says, "Cancel the hot dog."

Share this joke:

😄 Community Jokes

- Paul F

Wedding Math Joke

Two boys were at a wedding when one of them leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered,
"Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer. “

Share this joke:

🧒 Kids Jokes

- Daily Joke

The Exit That Wasn’t

My wife completely fed up and disgusted with me packed my bags and told me to get out. As I was walking out she said, "I hope you die a slow and painful death."

I put my bags down, and asked, "So, you want me to stay?"

Share this joke:

💞 Relationship Jokes

- Daily Joke

Headache Cure Underwear Twist Joke

A man suffered from headaches and didn’t realize it was due to a rare condition

He went to multiple doctors, all of whom couldn't give him an explanation or a solution to the headache. After years of the same symptoms, the man finally found a doctor who can fix the situation.

The doctor told him, "The good news is I can fix your headaches so you'll never have them again. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, creating one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

The man was depressed because two of the three things that made him a man will be removed. Realizing he had no other choice, he agreed to the castration.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 10 years. He saw a tailor shop and thought, "A new suit is fit for a new man, and for my new beginning".

After entering the shop, he asked the tailor for a new suit. The tailor said, "Hmm... Looking at you, you are size 44 long." The man surprised asked, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business for over 50 years!" The man tried on the suit given and it fit perfectly.

The man realizing he needed a shirt for the suit and asked for one. The tailor looked at him and said, "Hmm... you are a 35 sleeve and 16 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" The tailor responded again, "Been in the business for over 50 years!" The man tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

The tailor said "How about some underwear?" The man was startled but realized the logic. Since he already got everything else, he said yes. The tailor looked at him and said, "Hmm... you are a size 36."

The man laughed catching the tailor. "Ah ha! You're wrong! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head, "No, buddy, you can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Share this joke:

🩺 Medical Jokes

- Daily Joke

Unexpected Breakfast in Bed

When I bring you breakfast in bed, it's polite to say "Thank You", not "Who are you, and how the fuck did you get into my house!?"

Share this joke:

💞 Relationship Jokes

- Daily Joke

Talking Dog, Horse, and Sheep

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: “Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: “Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: “How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”