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A man travels back to ancient Egypt. He says to a pyramid builder, “I’m from the future — we have machines that can lift massive stones easily!”
The worker wipes his brow and says, “That’s great. Could one of them lift my pay?”
I stayed at a fancy hotel that said breakfast was “included.”
The next morning, I ordered eggs, bacon, and coffee.
When the bill came, I said, “Wait, I thought breakfast was included!”
The waiter said, “It is — included in the price of $29.99.”
A father looks at his son’s report card and sighs. “You got an F in math? How did this happen?”
The boy says, “The teacher asked me how to convert centimeters to meters.”
“So what did you say?”
“I told her, ‘You take out the cent.’”
A husband and wife had been arguing, and they both decided to give each other the silent treatment. Two days later, the husband realized he needed his wife to wake him up at 5 a.m. for an early flight. Too proud to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper:
“Please wake me up at 5.”
The next morning, he woke up at 9 a.m. — furious.
On his nightstand was another note:
“It’s 5. Wake up.”
A student was taking a history exam. The first question was, “Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”
He thought hard and wrote: “At the bottom.”
A man arrives at the airport baggage claim, but his suitcase never shows up. He goes to the counter and complains.
The clerk says, “Don’t worry, sir, we’re professionals. Your bag will be found and delivered to your home within 48 hours.”
The man says, “That’s great, but I live here.”
At Sunday dinner, Mom says, “Whoever does the dishes tonight will go straight to heaven.”
My little brother immediately says, “I’ll wash them!”
Mom smiles. “That’s so sweet, honey.”
He shrugs. “I just don’t want you to go first.”
After 25 years of marriage, a husband decided to surprise his wife with a trip to Italy — her lifelong dream. When he told her, she burst into tears of joy and said, “That’s amazing! But what are you getting me for our 50th anniversary?”
He smiled and said, “That’s when I’ll come pick you up.”
Historians still argue about who invented the calendar.
But they all agree — whoever it was, their days were numbered.
Napoleon may have been short, but he always looked up to his goals.
Literally — they were on the top shelf.
Why did the archaeologist get kicked out of the party?
He kept bringing up old stuff.
I asked my history teacher if we could skip the lecture on the French Revolution.
She said, “Absolutely not — it’s a guillotine-essential topic.”
I once tried to pack light for a weekend trip.
By the time I zipped my bag, I had to sit on it, pray over it, and promise it snacks if it made it.
I told my GPS I needed some space and time to think.
Now it just sits there silently, recalculating our relationship.
My suitcase started making weird noises in the airport.
The TSA agent said, “Sir, is that ticking?”
I said, “No, that’s just my emotional baggage.”
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