Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

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😄 Community Jokes

- Johan

The Karate Parrot Demonstration

Someone sees an old and ugly parrot at a pet store and asks the price on the old bastard. The cashier then tells him that this parrot is worth 5000$. Why?!?! Asks the man in shock. The cashier replies that the parrot was the pet of chuck norris and that he is a well trained guard parrot that is a master of karate. Yeah right replied the man so the cashier takes the parrot out of the cage and points at a sturdy wooden table and shouts. KARATE TABLE!! The parrot jumps in the air KARATE TABLE!!! And smashes the table into sawdust. The man is stunned and can’t believe it. Then the cashier points at a metal door. KARATE DOOR!!! The parrot shouts KARATE DOOR and smashes it in pieces. The man is impressed and buys the parrot. As he gets home his wife looks at the bird and starts yelling at the husband for spending so much money on an old and ugly bird. The man tries to explain “but honey he’s a guard. He knows karate” and the wife shouts in anger KARATE MY ASS.

KARATE ASS!!!!!!!

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💞 Relationship Jokes

- Daily Joke

Choosing a Punishment in Hell

Once upon a time, an evil man passed away, and his soul was sent to Hell. When he stood before the Devil, Satan address him thus:

"Sinful mortal, you have arrived in my domain on a most auspicious day. Usually, I judge your sins and sentence you to an appropriate punishment. However, for this day only, I shall give you the choice of your eternal punishment. Choose wisely".

The Devil then lead him down an infinitely long hallway, lined with an equally infinite amount of doors. The Devil opened the door to the first room, which contained numerous souls slowly being flayed. The Devil asked the evil man if he wanted to choose this punishment, which the man declines.

The Devil and the Evil Man continued down the way, looking into every room with equally unimaginable torments as the first. For each one, the Devil asked the man if this would be the punishment he wanted, and in each room, the man declined.

Finally, after an indeterminate amount of time, the Devil and the evil man arrived to the final room. Once inside, the evil man stared in amazement at a pile of feces, the size of a mountain. Scattered amongst the pile sat numerous dammed souls, drinking cups of coffee.

"Well mortal," asked the Devil, "this room is the last one in my domain, and the last which you can willingly accept. If you decline this room, then I shall choose your eternal fate for you". Given this ultimatum, the Evil Man agreed to accept that room as his punishment.

Once the Devil closed and locked the door behind him, the Evil Man climbed up the mountain of dung and poured himself a cup of coffee.

Just as he was putting the cup to his lips, a large and imposing demon, bearing a large, flaming whip barged into the room. With a crack of the whip the demon bellowed:

CRACK "Okay, you shit eaters, time to get back to work; coffee break is over"!

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😄 Community Jokes

- Johan

Popular Graveyard

Did you know the graveyard is the most popular place in town? People are dying to get in.

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👨 Dad Jokes

- Daily Joke

Balcony Commentary Gone Too Far

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie ” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities…

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

“An ambulance just drove by!”

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike!”

“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

“Jason is on his skate board!”

After a few moments he announced… “The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out…”How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

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💞 Relationship Jokes

- Daily Joke

Boy Who Loved Tractors

There was a farmer's boy who loved tractors; went absolutely crazy for them. As he grew up, his bedroom was littered with tractor toys, wallpaper, ornaments, you name it. At the end of every school day, he used to go to just outside his father's farm and watch the tractors roll by. It was safe to say he knew what he wanted to do for a career: "twactor dwiver" he would always say as a child.

His 10th birthday rolled around, and there was a peculiar looking present awaiting him in the living room. It was a dog - a puppy at that! It was love at first sight for the boy. Now, at the end of every school day, he'd take his puppy for walks across the fields and farms where the tractors drove. His bedroom was now being shared between a love of tractors and dogs.

The dog had just turned 8; the boy was taking him for a walk, after college at the usual time across the usual field. He stopped to look at the sunset just appearing, until he heard a distinct and loud YELP! followed by the sound of a tractor engine. He gulped and looked down - to see the mutilated remains of his dog, mauled by a tractor. He didn't know what to feel, anger? Devastation? Betrayl? Either way, his first thought after "oh my god that's my dog's corpse" was "I need to drown my sorrows", and he headed to the local pub.

Upon arrival, the pub was closed - how could the day get any worse, he thought. The landlord was standing just outside, looking rather furious at a large amount of smoke eminating from the chimney.

"How come's you're shut?" asks the boy.

"I'm not sure" replies the landlord, "there must've been a problem in the kitchen, because loads of thick smoke backed up into the rest of the building".

"Mind if i take a look?" - without a reply from the landlord, the boy enters the pub to be greeted with an enormous amount of smoke. Not seemingly bothered by it, he takes a very deep breath. The amount of smoke noticeably reduces.

"Whatever you're doing is working, lad!" exclaims the landlord. The boy inhales again, and again, and again and gradually the smoke in the pub reduces to nothing. The landlord rejoices and enters the building; "Amazing! Drinks are on the house lad, anything you want! One question though: how on earth did you pull that off?"

The boy looks unsure for a second, but then replies - "Im an extractor fan".