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The Judge’s Unusual Deal

Two drug dealers are given a chance by a judge to avoid prison...

​The judge tells them, "You guys don't look like hardened criminals. I'll give you a deal: I’m releasing you for 24 hours. Your job is to go out and convince as many people as possible to quit using drugs. If you’re successful, I’ll drop the charges. Come back tomorrow and report your numbers."

The next day, the first guy says, "Your Honor, I got 14 people to quit! I drew two circles: a big one and a tiny one. I told them the big one was their brain before drugs, and the tiny one was their brain after drugs."

The judge is impressed. He turns to the second guy. "And you?"

"I got 165 people to quit, sir!"

The judge is stunned. "165?! Did you use the same 'brain' circles?"

"Sort of," the guy says. "I pointed to the tiny circle and said, 'Listen up, boys... this is what your asshole looks like before you go to prison.'"

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The Barber’s Strange Question

I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over.

As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”

I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”

Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”

Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”

A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”

I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”

He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”

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The Radio Show Word Game Gone Wrong

A radio show asked people to call in with words they made up

"Alright sir, what is the word you came up with?"

"Goan."

"How do you spell that?"

"G - O - A - N."

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Goan fuck yourself!"

The host disconnects the caller and profusely apologizes to the public.

They get several more callers, all being polite. A while later, another caller goes on.

"What's your word, sir?"

"Smee."

"How do you spell it?"

"S - M - E - E."

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"

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Dracula’s Date Night Confusion

Dracula was on a date with a beautiful young woman. After a few glasses of wine she leaned in and said, “I know this is a bit forward, but… what’s your body count?”

Confused, he looked down at himself and said, “Well… it’s this thing under my head. Mostly bones and organs.”

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The Million-Dollar Question

A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”

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Rhinoceros and the Fourth Wall

A rhinoceros wakes to find itself in a room with no doors or windows.

All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.

Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.

The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.

In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.

After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.

...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,

"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"

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Two C Batteries

When I went to the battery store

I said "I need two C Batteries".

The person just gestured to a shelf and said "Here just look at them".

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Why They Call You Handsome

What do you call sex with 4 people? A foursome What about 3 people? A threesome

See? I knew there was a reason they called you handsome...

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Counting to Ten Without a Brain

Scientists removed the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."

Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10

He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."

Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:

'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me. People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."

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The Booby Trap

My Wife came in to show me her new Bra from Victoria Secret.

I asked her "how much was it?" and she replied "Only $100".

I yelled "you spent $100 on underwear?"

Suddenly she pulled the bra all the way down and I instantly forgot why I was angry ...

I had fallen right into her Booby Trap

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The First Anatomy Lesson

Some first-year medical students were attending their first Anatomy class.

They gathered around a table where a real dead body had been placed for study.

The professor began the class by telling them that every good doctor must have two important qualities.

“The first,” he said, “is that a doctor must never be disgusted by anything in the human body.”

To demonstrate, he inserted his finger into the dead body’s anus, then put the finger in his mouth and tasted it.

He then asked the students to repeat what he had done.

The students were shocked and hesitated for several minutes. But eventually, one by one, they did the same thing. Each of them inserted their fingers into the body’s anus and then tasted their fingers.

When everyone had finished, they all stood there frowning and feeling uncomfortable.

The professor then looked at them and smiled.

“The second most important quality of a doctor,” he said, “is observation.”

He continued,

“I inserted my middle finger, but I tasted my index finger.”

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The Worst Timing Possible

A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary

The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!"

The husband replies, "I know, that's why i'm doing it to her"

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The “Roses” Confusion

Bob tells his buddy, "My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses!"

His buddy says, "That's incredible! You're really lucky."

And Bob says, "Yeah, but Rose has bigger tits."

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