Infinity Denied
An infinity walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don’t serve your type here."
- Daily Joke
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Termite at the Bar
A termite walks into a bar and asks, 'Is the bartender here?'
- Daily Joke
No Food Allowed
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food here."
- Daily Joke
Experimental Love Pill Doctor Joke
A lady goes to the doctor complaining that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, warns it’s experimental, and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes. That night, he jumps up, rakes the food onto the floor, grabs her, and ravages her right there on the table. She later says, "We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway."
- Daily Joke
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Horse and the Long Face
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, 'Why the long face?'
- Daily Joke
DEA Officer vs Bull
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday. “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his back pocket, the officer pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Do I make myself clear? Do you understand?”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull! With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he’d get gored before reaching safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
So, I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs.
“Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!!”
- Daily Joke
Bear Chase
Two friends are walking through the forest.
Suddenly, a bear appears.
The pessimist says, "We’re doomed!"
The optimist says, "Don’t worry, we can outrun him!"
They both start running.
The pessimist looks back and says, "I just have to run faster than you."
- Daily Joke
Bar Parrot
A man buys a parrot that can talk.
The salesman warns, "This parrot used to live in a bar, so it might use some bad language."
The man takes the parrot home.
The parrot looks around and says, "New bar, new bartender. What’s the special today?"
- Daily Joke
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Talking Dog for Sale
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." Curious, he walks in and asks the owner, "What’s the story with the dog?"
The owner points to the dog and says, "Go ahead, ask him."
The man looks at the dog and asks, "Can you really talk?"
"Yep," the dog replies.
"So, what’s your story?"
The dog says, "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time, they had me jetting all over the world, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one would ever suspect a talking dog. I was their most valuable agent for years."
"Then I got tired of the travel and decided to settle down. I started teaching college courses on espionage and linguistics."
The guy is amazed and asks the owner, "Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "Because he’s a liar! He hasn’t done any of that."
- Daily Joke
Dog Patient
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”
- Daily Joke
Dog Loses His Bike
My dog used to chase people on bikes a lot.
It got so bad that finally I had to take his bike away.
- Daily Joke
Snake Walks Into a Bar
A snake walks into a bar, and the bartender asks,
“How?”
- Daily Joke
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Mad Cow Penguin
Two cows were standing in a field.
“Have you heard that mad cow disease is going around?” asked the first.
“Yeah,” the other cow replied.
“Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
- Daily Joke
Ducks Love Jokes
Why do comedians love telling jokes to ducks?
They always quack up.
- Daily Joke
Neutron Walks into a Bar
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, 'How much for a beer?'
The bartender replies, 'For you? No charge!'
- Daily Joke
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