Fish With No Eyes
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
- Daily Joke
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Elephants Fear the Mouse
Why don’t elephants use computers?
They’re afraid of the mouse.
- Daily Joke
The Farmer's Rooster Showdown
A farmer buys a young rooster to replace his old one.
The young rooster struts in and says, “All these hens are mine now, old man.”
The old rooster smirks, “Maybe so… but tradition says the new rooster must prove himself. We wrestle, and whoever mounts the other in a compromising way wins. The winner takes the hens.”
The young rooster laughs, “Easy.”
They lock up in the dirt. The old rooster pretends to struggle, then lets the young one flip him and mount him.
Just then the farmer walks out, sees the young rooster on top, shakes his head, raises his shotgun and fires.
“Damn,” he mutters, “that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this year.”
- Daily Joke
The Wife’s Secret Contribution
A married couple was in a terrible accident, and the husband’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told him they couldn’t graft any skin from his own body because he was too skinny. His wife lovingly offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only suitable area was from her buttocks—a rather delicate matter.
They both agreed to keep it a secret, and the doctor promised not to say a word.
After the surgery, everyone was amazed by the man's transformation. He looked more handsome than ever!
Friends and family couldn’t stop complimenting his fresh, youthful face.
One day, deeply moved, he said to his wife, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever repay you?"
She smiled and replied,
"My love… I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
- Daily Joke
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The Expensive Phone Bill Meeting
The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss the matter.
Dad: "This is unacceptable, I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone."
Mom: "Me too, I use my company phone. I hardly use the home phone."
Son: "I use my office mobile. I never use the home phone."
All of them shocked turned to look at the maid who was patiently listening to them all this time.
Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones, what is the big deal?
- Daily Joke
Fish Hits a Wall
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall in the river?
“Dam!”
- Daily Joke
Doctor Sturgeon
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy?
A sturgeon.
- Daily Joke
The Priest at Customs
A very elegant lady was flying in from Switzerland when she found herself seated next to a kindly old priest.
“Excuse me, Father,” she whispered, “may I ask a huge favor?”
“Of course, my child. What troubles you?”
“I bought this ultra-expensive hair removal device, but I’ve gone way over the duty-free limit. I’m terrified they’ll confiscate it at customs! Could you possibly hide it under your cassock?”
The priest raised an eyebrow. “I suppose I could… but you must understand - I cannot tell a lie.”
“Oh, don’t worry, Father. You have such an honest face, I’m sure no one will ask you a thing!”
Reluctantly, he tucked the gadget into the folds of his robe.
At customs, the officer asked, “Do you have anything to declare, Father?”
The priest replied calmly, “From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The officer squinted. “And from your waist down?”
The priest hesitated, then said, “I have a miraculous instrument designed to be used on women... but which has never been used.”
The customs officer blinked... then burst out laughing and waved him right through.
- Daily Joke
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The Bread Text Trap
Wife texts her Husband who is at work:
Wife: “Honey, don’t forget to buy bread on your way home. Oh, and… your girlfriend Elizabeth says hi.”
Husband: “Who’s Elizabeth?”
Wife: “Nobody. Just wanted to make sure you saw my message.”
Husband: “Phew! I’m with Elizabeth right now… for a moment then, I thought you saw us!”
Wife: “WHAT?! Where are you?!”
Husband: “Near the bakery.”
Wife: “Stay put - I’m coming right now!”
Five minutes later…
Wife: “I’m at the bakery where are you?!”
Husband: “I’m at work. Now that you’re there… grab the bread and head home.”
- Daily Joke
Lone Mongol Warrior
A lone Mongol warrior stands on top of a mountain and shouts down to the Chinese army below:
“Send your men! I’m alone!”
The Chinese general sends 1,000 soldiers up the mountain. There’s the sound of swords clashing, men screaming… then silence. No one returns.
The Mongol appears again and yells: “Send more! I’m still alone!”
Another 1,000 soldiers go up. More chaos, more noise… then silence again.
The Mongol shouts a third time: “Come on! I’m still alone!”
This time, furious, the general sends 2,000 of his best men. The mountain erupts in the sounds of a huge battle. Finally, it goes quiet.
A single wounded Chinese soldier crawls back down and whispers:
“He lied… there were TWO of them.”
- Daily Joke
The Supermarket Mistaken Identity
A man is at the supermarket when a beautiful blonde with large breasts walks up to him.
"Excuse me," she says, "but I think you're the father of one of my kids."
"Oh," the man nervously says, keeping his eye on his wife and kids. "Are you that hooker I fucked behind the trampoline park during my son's birthday party?"
"No," she answers. "I'm his math teacher."
- Daily Joke
Old Lady Silent Farts Doctor Joke
An old lady goes to the doctor and says ‘doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here’
The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.
The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’
The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’
- Daily Joke
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Kid Explains the Math Difference
A kid was sent home from school one day. Dad asks what for.
Kid says "Teacher asked what three times four is, and I said twelve."
Dad says "but that's correct."
Kid says " I know, but then she asked what four times three is."
Dad says " What's the fucking difference?"
Kid says "That's exactly what I said!'
- Daily Joke
Kids Try Swearing at Breakfast
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what, I think it's time we started swearing" said the 7 year old.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looks at the 4 year old and says sternly "And what do you want?"
"I don't know, but it won't be fucking frosties"
- Daily Joke
Frog and Rat Bar Trick
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “If I show you a wild trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender shrugs, “Sure, why not?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out… a tiny rat. Then out of the other pocket, he pulls a teeny-tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues like a rodent Ray Charles.
Stunned, the bartender pours him a free drink.
After finishing it, the guy says, “Now, if I show you an even better trick, do I drink free all night?”
“Buddy, if you can top that, you’re drinking on me till closing,” the bartender replies.
The man pulls the rat and piano out again, and this time reaches into his coat and pulls out… a small bullfrog
The frog clears his throat and starts belting out soulful blues lyrics. The rat’s playing, the frog’s singing — the bar is dead silent in awe.
Suddenly, a man rushes up and says, “I’ll give you $10,000 for that frog!”
The guy says, “Nope, not for sale.”
“$25,000!”
“Nope.”
“$50,000! Cash!”
“Deal.”
The bartender’s jaw drops. “Are you CRAZY? That frog was a gold mine! Why’d you sell him?”
- Daily Joke
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